Leaving Traces of Me
by Third Star
Summary: Eli and Adam get into something that may not be a good thing.
1. Chapter 1

_ Adam and Eli had become close friends. The best of friends. Adam was a FTM. A female-to-male transgender. Eli was emo. They were different. Their only other friend was Clare._

_ "Eli!" Adam called from the other side of the parking lot._

_ Eli turned and waved then continued talking with Clare._

_ "What do you mean, Adam looks better as Gracie?" Eli demanded of his female friend._

_ "I mean, I can compare with Gracie, but I can't with Adam," she replied._

_ "Whatever," Eli sighed. "I like Adam and Adam likes Adam. All that matters is his happiness, right?"_

_ "I guess," Clare shrugged._

_ Adam approached them. "Hey," he said with a smile._

_ "Hey," Eli smiled back. "How's your mom dealing with the whole 'Goodbye Gracie' thing?"_

_ "She's been doing a lot better since I got Drew in on it," Adam responded._

_ "That's good," Clare said sweetly._

_ The bell rang, so they ran inside to their homerooms. Each of them was in a different class. Especially since Clare and Adam were in grade ten and Eli was in grade eleven._

_ The lunch bell rang, so they all got together again. Eli was walking between them, watching Adam carefully so that he made sure Fitz didn't get to him. Eli was caring, despite what others thought about him. Not only did Adam hate Fitz, but Eli did too. Clare chose a table farthest from Fitz and his crew, so they all sat._

_ "What are we going to do?" Eli asked. "We can't keep running from Fitz forever."_

_ "I know, Eli," Adam snapped. "In due time, I'll confront him, but I can't really do it now."_

_ "Then, I will," Eli growled as he stood from the table._

_ "No, Eli!" Clare and Adam whispered._

_ Eli ignored them and walked to Fitz's table._

_ "Look," Eli snarled as he approached them. "You can't keep screwing up other peoples' lives just because you feel like it!"_

_ Fitz stood from the table. "Oh, really?"_

_ "Yeah!" Eli raised his voice and the cafeteria suddenly became quieter as everyone turned to watch the bully and the emo._

_ "And who's gonna stop me?" Fitz demanded._

_ "We will," someone called from the other side of the caf._

_ Eli turned to see Drew and the rest of the football team. He looked back at Fitz._

_ "Are you done messing up Adam's life and my life and everyone else's lives?" Eli smiled._

_ Fitz then pulled his fist back and hit Eli Goldsworthy in the jaw. Eli lied on the floor, writhing in agony as Fitz kicked him in the side. Then, everything went black._

Eli's Point of View

I spent almost a week in the hospital because of internal bleeding. Fitz ruined my life once before. I had no intention of letting him do it again, but that's what you get when you stand up to him.

The door opened and Adam and Clare walked in.

"Hey, Eli," Adam smiled.

"Hey, Grasshopper," I replied.

"Are you feeling okay?" Clare asked as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"My insides hurt, but I guess I feel better," I sighed.

Clare looked close to tears. The strange thing was that Adam did too. Guys normally didn't cry, especially Adam.

"You didn't have to do that," Adam sniffled. "You didn't have to stand up to Fitz for me." "He had it coming to him," I managed. "Since he makes everyone else's life a living hell, he should see what it feels like in jail or even just after-school detention."

"He had to go to military school," Clare told me quickly.

She then seemed mad at me. Had she liked Fitz or did she just not like that I got someone in that much trouble? Adam walked over and sat on the other side of the bed. Clare stood and stormed from the room. She seemed kind of stuck up all of a sudden.

I looked at Adam and he said, "She's upset that someone in our school was so bad they were sent to military school."

"She seems kind of…moody," I hesitated.

Adam took my hand in his and sighed, "She worries about you, Eli. You should've seen the look on her face when you got punched. It was even worse when you were on the floor, unconscious. I swear I felt my heart break in half at the look in her eyes. Then, the tears started rolling down her face and made it even more heart-wrenching."

I hung my head then looked at Adam's hand, which was still holding mine. He retreated quickly and walked to the other side of the room.

"If it worried you that much, why didn't you make a bigger effort to stop me?" I blurted.

"Because we were afraid you'd take drastic measures to make sure Fitz paid for what he did," Adam sniffed. He wasn't looking at me, so I was assuming he was crying. "I have to go," he cried as he ran out the door. I was so confused. What the hell had happened?

I stretched a little to watch him run down the hall, but I had to lie back down because the agony felt as if were in my blood and coursed from limb to limb. My heart began to speed up then slow down continuously and rapidly. I closed my eyes and, before I knew it, I was asleep.

I was walking down the hall of Degrassi. None of the lights were on. I was alone. Then, I heard a shattering sound in the caf. Instinctively, I ran toward the noise thinking, _What the hell was that?_

I blew through the doors to find Adam curled up on the floor, sobbing, as Fitz taunted him and beat him. Clare was lying against the wall. Her eyes were open and her face was expressionless. I tried calling out to them, but no sound was escaping my lips. It was like I was a ghost. Wait….Was I a ghost? Had I died?

I shot up, breathing deeply, which hurt my insides. There was Adam, Clare, and Sav sitting in the chairs on the other side of the room. Clare hurried and sat on the edge of my hospital bed.

"You were talking in your sleep," Clare sniffled. She moved closer to me, wrapped her arms around me gently, and cried, "I thought you weren't going to wake up until then."

"I'm okay, Clare," I whispered. "Just had a bad dream. That's all."

She pulled away and wiped her eyes, nodding. Adam stood in unison with Sav and walked to the bedside.

"You're lookin' good, man," Sav smiled weakly. "How're you feeling?"

"Better," I replied. "Thanks."

Sav nodded as Adam sat on the other side of the bed. I lifted the back of the bed a bit and managed a sitting position. It hurt my intestines a little, but I stayed.

I talked a bit with Clare and Sav before they left. Adam stayed with me, though.

"So," I began. "What have I missed since I've been out?"

"Well," Adam began as he brought his legs up and crossed them to face me. "Bianca finally left me alone, Fitz is in military school for the rest of the year, Clare got back together with KC-"

"What?" my voice broke.

"Yeah," Adam said excitedly. "Jenna just wasn't who KC thought she was, so he got Clare to go out with him again."

"Dammit," I muttered.

"You like her," Adam smiled.

"No I don't!" I exclaimed quickly, my eyes widening.

"Yes you do," Adam nodded. "You really like her."

"No I don't!" I squeaked uncomfortably.

Adam poked me, so I caught his hand. He was on his knees by then. He moved forward and our lips met. Then, in my mind, he became a she. Adam retreated, looked into my eyes, jumped from the bed, and ran out. I smiled a vague smile, lied the bed back, and sighed. I sighed a little too deeply, though, because my ribs started to hurt a little. I closed my eyes and went to sleep. Adam was definitely my type of girl.


	2. Chapter 2

Adam's Point of View

I ran through the hospital with my eyes stinging and my pride broken. I gave my family all this grief of not wanting to be a girl, yet I kissed Eli. Something was seriously screwing with my mind and I had hoped Eli didn't get the wrong idea. I was still in to chicks. But…I was in to him also…

"No!" I told myself as I stopped and held myself up against a wall, feeling sick. "I don't like Eli. I…I can't…"

I fell to my knees, feeling as if I were about to puke. I heard footsteps coming around the corner, so I looked up and saw a nurse. She looked worriedly at me.

"Are you okay, honey?" she asked me as she knelt down beside me.

"I…I feel sick," I replied hesitantly.

"Okay," she sighed as she grabbed my arm and hoisted me up. "Let's see what's wrong."

I nodded and she led me to a bed. She was hot. But…I still couldn't get Eli off of my mind…

"I feel dizzy," I said suddenly as I became lightheaded.

She pressed the back of her hand to my forehead.

"No fever," she said to herself in anguish. "Have you been having irregular menstrual patterns lately?"

"No," I replied without thinking, then followed up with, "Wait. You know I'm a chick?"

"I went to med school, hon," she smiled.

"Well, no," I snapped.

"Maybe it's just that you're catching the flu," she shrugged.

I hopped down and my left knee gave out. She helped me up and I wobbled out of the building to my mom's car. It was weird because I felt better when I was outside. I climbed in the front passenger seat and my mom looked at me in confusion.

"What's wrong, Grace?" she asked and I glared at her. "Adam," she corrected herself.

"Is Drew here?" I demanded without looking behind us. Mom shook her head, so I told her, "I kissed Eli before I left and then I had some sort of panic attack."

"You kissed a _boy_?" Mom asked with a smile.

"Don't make a big deal about it because it's _not_ happening again," I growled. "Just take me home."


	3. Chapter 3

Eli's Point of View

When I opened my eyes, I was met by the eyes of my mom.

"Mom?" I asked sleepily.

"You're getting out today," she smiled.

I shot up but cringed from the pain. "Really?"

"Yeah!" Mom exclaimed in a high voice. "Then it's back to school!"

"I'm going back this early?" I demanded.

"As soon as we get home and you change, I'm driving you to the school and checking you in," Mom replied.

I groaned and swung my legs over the side of the bed. I planted my feet on the ground. Then was when I realized noticed that my torso was tightly wrapped under my hospital gown and I had a cast on my arm. I never really felt any of it. I guess they had me on some strong pain meds. I also noticed that my legs were pretty bruised up and so was my other arm. Mom handed me the clothes that I arrived in, so I went and changed. It hurt to walk, but I managed.

When I got home, I strode to my room, the one place I really missed the most, and changed clothes. Mom was still in the car, so on the way, I started thinking, _If I like Adam, does that mean I'm gay?_ I climbed in the car and started regretting ever thinking that I had a chance with him. I honestly just wanted Clare, but she was back with KC because Jenna…well…I honestly don't know what Jenna did.

"Hey Mom?" I asked as we pulled up to the school.

"What is it Eli?" she wondered.

"Say this guy liked a female-to-male transgender," I began and she looked at me in confusion. "Would it mean they're gay?"

"Well…" she sighed. "I honestly don't-"

"Never mind," I sighed snappishly as I climbed out of the car with my bag over my shoulder and slammed the door. I'd check myself in.

I stormed into the office to fill out the form and Principal Simpson looked at me as if he couldn't believe I was there. After I filled out the paper, I waited for the bell. The clock indicated that it was about lunchtime, so I could just head to the caf and surprise Clare and Adam.

The bell rang, so I made my way to the cafeteria. I wasn't hungry, so I took my seat in the farthest corner from everything. Then, I spotted Clare, Adam, and KC going through the lunch line. I didn't think I could face Adam. After hoping to surprise my best friends, I couldn't face my one "real" guy friend. It was weird. My type of girl was Clare, not Adam, or Gracie, or what-the-hell-ever his name was. I wanted Clare, but she was back with her first love. I just wouldn't understand how to act. That's as bad as if Riley or Drew kissed another guy. I had a reputation to uphold. As a guy who likes chicks. Not a guy who likes guys. Well…just guys anyway. Maybe both guys and chicks. Whatever.

I stood from the table and walked from the lunchroom with my hand over my mouth. Something just felt wrong. Adam kissed me…and I liked it….I sat on the thick half wall by the stairs and pulled out my notebook. I began sketching the park that lay in front of me.

"Eli?" a voice gasped from behind me.

I turned and saw Clare alone with her lunch tray. She walked toward me and sat on the wall. I watched her set her tray down beside her.

"I thought you'd be with KC," I snapped as I closed my notebook.

"Adam told me what happened at the hospital," Clare whispered.

"It was nothing," I growled. "Nothing at all. I've heard of gay guys still being in love with their first girlfriend. Why can't a transgender kiss a guy and get away with it?"

I jumped down, hurting myself so badly that I fell to my knees.

"Eli!" Clare squealed as she hopped down and grabbed my casted arm, which I managed to hide until she lifted my sleeve. Well, know that I think about it, it really wasn't a "cast" per se. It was more of a gauze wrap like the one around my chest and stomach.

I jerked my arm away from her and snarled, "I'm fine." before jumping the stairs two at a time and taking refuge in the computer lab. My insides hurt, my legs hurt, and my arms hurt. I really began to think I shouldn't have come back so early. Though, I couldn't change my mom's mind no matter what I said.

I heard someone come in the classroom and I saw it was Clare again.

"Eli," she panted. "Just listen. I'm not with KC. Everyone just thinks we are because we hang out all the time and he left Jenna."

"I honestly couldn't care less than I do right now about KC and Jenna," I sighed as I stood and walked to her. "It's just the fact that you stood up for Fitz at the hospital that bothers me, Clare."

"I wasn't standing up for Fitz!" Clare exclaimed as her huge blue eyes met my hazel ones. She looked how she did when she was upset. "I was scared, Eli. Scared for you."

"Why would you waste time on me when you could have a football player?" I demanded.

She gently wrapped her arms around me and cried softly into my chest. "I don't want a football player," she cried.

My eyes widened. That had been the first time I'd heard a girl say that. I returned her hug and whispered, "Don't worry, Clare. I don't plan on fighting again any time soon."

"Good," she sniffled as she pulled away and wiped her eyes.

Her mascara and eyeliner was running, so I wiped it for her and she laughed a tiny laugh.

"Thanks," she breathed with a smile.

As I wiped the black makeup from her eyes, I lowered my hand to her cheek and pressed my lips to hers. She sighed and let her arms fall to her side limply. I pulled away and stared into her eyes. She smiled and hugged me sweetly. We stood there just like that until the bell rang.

"Do you want to grab a drink and a bite to eat at the Dot with me after school?" I asked as I picked up my bag.

She nodded and bounded off to her class. I decided to skip because I honestly think Principal Simpson thought I was a figment of his imagination. I ran out the front doors and sat on the half wall to finish my sketch. That was one talent I kept hidden from everyone and everything. Now, Clare was definitely my type of girl. Not Adam.

"Eli?" I heard that voice behind me. Adam.

I turned and found my best guy friend walking toward me.

"Can we please just not talk about yesterday?" I demanded as I returned to my sketch.

"Didn't plan on it," Adam replied. "I was actually wondering if you were free later."

"I have a date," I smiled. "With Clare."

"But, she's with-" Adam began.

"No she's not," I interrupted.

"Okay," Adam shrugged. "Tomorrow?"

"We'll see," I sighed. "You'd better get to class before the bell rings."

"I'm going home because Simpson sent me home," Adam growled.

A car pulled up and it was his mom.

"See ya, Grasshopper," I said.

"Bye," he called over his shoulder as he ran to the car.

I shook my head and continued to draw. Only a few more hours left until my date with my Clare.


	4. Chapter 4

The last bell of the day rang and I spotted Clare. She walked to me. My first date with Clare at last. She promised me time. She kept that promise. Julia would have liked her. I was just so glad we were over the whole Fitz massacre from Vegas Night at school.

"Ready to go?" I asked her.

She nodded and I led her to my mom's car. I told my mom that I'd drop her off at the house after Clare and I managed to get her bike to get inside. Mom nodded.

Once we were at the Dot, we took our seats in the center of the diner and looked for what to eat. Clare looked up at me with those big blues and I couldn't help but smile. She gave me that feeling that Julia did before I killed her. That's why I tried to stay away from Clare as much as possible, but I just couldn't. There was that one thing that just kept me coming back and I was starting to get hopeless.

The door opened with a crash, so I naturally turned. Adam was standing there and he rushed to me, around all of the other tables.

"Eli!" he panted.

"Did you run all the way here?" I laughed.

"That's beside the point," Adam breathed. "Fitz is looking for you and me."

"But," I stood, "Fitz is in military school."

"They're bringing him back!" Adam exclaimed. "And this is gonna be the first place he looks for us!"

I looked at Clare and she gave me the go. I walked over, grabbing my bag, and kissed her on the cheek before following Adam out at high speed. We ran directly to the alleyway beside the Dot and crouched behind the dumpster.

"Why is he after you?" I asked Adam.

"Because, after you had the crap beaten out of you, I beat his ass," Adam replied with a smile full of pride.

Why was I so attracted to Adam? I realize that he was a chick technically, but he was still my best guy bud. It would be really, really weird. Then again, Adam was the coolest girl I knew…

"Where the hell did the fag and the freak go?" Fitz demanded from the head of the alley.

I swear I could feel my heart stop, but then something happened that I never expected. Adam grabbed my arm and buried his face in my side. My breathing increased rapidly as butterflies filled my stomach. That was the first time that happened since I met Clare.

"Check the other side of the dumpster!" one of Fitz's gang members said.

Adam grasped my jacket and curled up beside me. I immediately got an idea. It was such a good thing I carried makeup with me. I pulled it out of my bag and started constructing what I thought would be a convincible black eye and busted lip. Adam sat up and watched, then I quickly did his. I straightened out my legs, just as Adam did, and lied my head against the wall. Adam lied his head on my shoulder. I messed up my hair and Adam pulled his hat down over his eyes.

Fitz came around the over-sized trashcan and growled, "Who got to them before us?"

"I don't think anyone did," that freakishly familiar female's voice snarled. "You know the fag carries around makeup and the gay one knew we were coming."

Then, Fitz grabbed me by the jacket, Adam fell over, and I opened my eyes with a smile.

"If I'm such a fag, you probably shouldn't hold me this close," I smirked and he let me go.

I helped Adam to his feet and glared at Fitz. He always tried to beat my ass, and every time I got back at him. Why couldn't he just take a hint?

"Eli," Adam whispered. "We need to go."

"Just…let me handle this," I replied. "Why can't you just take a hint?"

"What are you talking about?" Fitz scoffed.

"I'm talking about you screw up my car, I get you arrested," I began. "The stink bomb goes off after you try to kick Adam's ass and you get busted for something I know you didn't do. You make me bleed internally, you get sent to military school. What is there not to get? I want you gone! I want you to never touch Clare again!"

"Don't count on that," Fitz grinned.

"If you touch her, I will personally fuck you up!" I growled, getting up in his face.

"Oh, I'm so scared of the little emo fag," Fitz laughed. "Now. What was it I came for? Oh, yeah."

He balled his hand into a fist, pulled back, and started to punch me in the stomach, but I caught his hand and twisted him around with his arm into a choke hold.

"Call me a fag one more time," I snarled, pulling my pocket knife out and putting it to his throat.

He began whimpering like a little girl, so I let him go and pointed the knife at him.

"Don't think this is it," Fitz growled.

He stormed out of the alley, so I dropped my knife and began hyperventilating. Adam was exclaiming in joy while I was having a practical heart attack. I'd never done anything violent in my life. Why should I start with someone like him? Well…there was Vegas Night, but…I decided not to do it. I couldn't hurt Clare like that, but I couldn't let Fitz get his way with her either…

"Dude!" Adam exclaimed. "Why aren't you celebrating?"

"Because…I…can't…breathe," I replied in a wispy voice.

Then, I fell to my knees and everything went black.

Adam's PoV

Eli was so brave and I was so proud, but when I saw him hit the ground and lose his consciousness, I started freaking out. I was scared.

"Eli?" I asked quietly. I knelt beside him and placed my hand on his back to try and wake him, but he didn't. I rolled him over and looked at the blank expression set on his face. His eyes were closed, so I knew he wasn't dead, but still…."Eli! Please wake up!" I felt my eyes stinging. "Fitz had to ruin everything! First, he destroys your car, second, he steals Clare from you causing you to go on a rampage, third, he sends you to the hospital, and now this? Why does this never happen to me and always you?"

I lied my head on his chest and cried. My best friend was almost gone and it was because he was standing up for me. I had more than one reason to blame myself for this.

Eli's PoV(there will be more of Eli than Adam)

I opened my eyes to find Adam crying on my chest. I rested my hand on his shoulder, causing him to shoot up in alarm. Once he saw that I was okay, he smiled, lifted me, and hugged me.

"What happened to you?" Adam sniffled.

"I just got a little overwhelmed," I replied. "I'm okay, Adam."

Adam let me go and just looked into my eyes. I felt nervous. Adam took a step closer to where he was in my arms, stood on his tiptoes, and pressed his lips to mine. The butterflies began acting up as I placed my hands on his waist. His hands cupped my neck. It was kind of weird that I was enjoying a kiss from a guy. My best guy friend.

Adam pulled away and bit his lip, smiling at me. He pulled me in and embraced me.

"So," I began. "No offense, but do I still call you a guy or can I say you're a girl now."

"I'm only a girl if it's just you and me," Adam replied.

"Do I still call you Adam?" I asked.

"Once again," Adam said. "If it's just you and me call me Grace."

I nodded and said, "Okay, Grace. What about me and Clare?"

"If you two ever break up, I'm here for you, Eli," Adam said.

I thanked him or her or whatever I should think now and headed back to the Dot wiping the makeup off. Finally. I kissed Adam. Never realized how weird that sounded until now…


	5. Chapter 5

Eli's PoV

Clare met me at the front doors of the Dot with a smile as if she had thought I wouldn't be back. She jumped into my arms. I knew that if she found out about my kiss with Adam, things would be horrible and I would have broken her heart. I never wanted anything to happen to her or Adam or our friendship. That was all I had to live for, especially after the catastrophe at the dance that almost happened. I swear I was going to get killed that night, but I held back. I did, however, make sure that Fitz didn't do anything to Clare that would scar her for life or even remotely upset her.

"What happened?" Clare asked.

"Um…" I began unsurely. "We managed to get away safely. Fitz never even found us."

"That's good," she smiled at me.

_Too bad it's a lie_, I thought sadly as she wrapped me in her arms lovingly.

I drove her home and parked outside her home. She pressed her lips against mine and climbed out of the car. I watched as she stepped inside then drove off. I was driving down the road when I spotted Fitz and someone else. He was beating up someone else. I immediately pulled over and pulled the keys out of the ignition before I jumped out and ran over only to find Adam crying on the ground.

"What the hell is up with you, Fitz?" I demanded. He looked at me and laughed. I pulled out my knife, holding it tightly in my hand. "Was what I said not even an hour ago not clear enough for you? You have no idea of what the _fuck_ you're getting in to!"

"Eli, don't," Adam managed weakly as Fitz began to pull something of his own out.

He held up something black and almost metallic-looking. A gun. My heart stopped. I literally lost grip of the knife and it fell to the ground as I raised my hands in surrender or at least just to keep him from shooting. I was beginning to think that that might not work because he began to square up. His forefinger was resting on the trigger. I closed my eyes tighter than ever then I heard a shot go off. I knew it. I was dead. No. I opened my eyes to find the gun now in Adam's possession. He was pointing it at Fitz and motioned with his eyes for me to get my knife.

"Fine," Fitz sighed. "I give."

He walked out of the alleyway, bumping me in the shoulder on the way. Adam gasped as if he hadn't been breathing that entire time and dropped the gun.

"Okay, look," I said. "I can't keep it up thinking of you as a girl or even as Gracie because…when you were Gracie, you hurt yourself. I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy, Adam."

"Thank god!" Adam gasped. "I didn't think I could handle you _calling_ me Grace or a girl."

We both laughed. "C'mon," I smiled. "I'll give you a ride home."

Adam nodded and we hurried to my car. I dropped him off after a conversation I never thought we'd have again. It was about comic books. I was so relieved to have the old Adam back, but there was a romantic spark that I knew could never die. That's what worried me most. What if I lost control in front of Clare and kissed Adam? It seemed…wrong…

I was on my way home finally when I got a call on my cell phone. I pulled it out of my pocket quickly and saw it was Clare. Immediately, I pulled off to the side of the road and answered it.

"What's wrong?" I demanded.

"I-it's Adam," she cried. "H-he's in the hos-hospital."

"What?" My heart pounded against my ribcage. "H-how?"

"H-he was dr-drinking and has t-to have h-his stomach pumped," Clare sobbed. "Th-they said h-he may n-not have a ch-chance because of s-something in the vodka th-that he w-was s-severely allergic t-to."

"Why the hell was he drinking in the first place?" my voice broke. "What the hell is with him?"

"I d-don't know," Clare wept.

"Meet me there," I commanded and shut my phone to pull out and go the opposite direction.

Adam was on the verge of death and it was probably that dick, Fitz's fault. That or…mine….No. I had to stop thinking like that. I shook my head and went on. I never thought of Adam as a girl. He was always my best guy friend. Why on earth had I ever thought of things as Adam was my type of girl? This had to be my fault.

I drove into the parking lot of the hospital, parked, and ran in to find that Clare was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for me. She jumped up and wrapped her arms around my neck. After she let me go, she led me to Adam's room. My eyes were stinging with tears by then. He couldn't leave me. I…couldn't live without him.

We stepped in and Adam was laying on the hospital bed before us. He smiled weakly and I rushed over to him.

"Hey, Eli," he said weakly as I took his hand in both of mine. I knew Clare was watching me in confusion.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I demanded, smiling to see he could talk, but tears forming in the corners of my eyes. "Why were you drinking?"

"I-I…" Adam began but looked at Clare out of plain fear of her breaking up with me. Of all the things he could worry about, he worried most about that. "You'd drink too if you'd been through what I have."

I sighed and fell to my knees beside the bed, allowing my arms to fall to my side. Clare walked over and placed her hand on my shoulder, running it along my back from one to the other.

"Should we go, Eli?" she asked.

"I'll leave in a bit," I replied sadly. "You can go on. Maybe we can catch a movie or something tonight?"

"Sure," she said and walked out, leaving me with Adam.

"Why didn't you say anything to me?" I asked suddenly of Adam.

"What?" he wondered as he sat the bed up and I stood.

"Why didn't you tell me that I was hurting you so much that you resorted to getting drunk?" I demanded almost harshly.

"I-I-I…" Adam sighed and stared at me with his eyes huge and tear-filled. "Because I knew that you'd get busted with Clare and I want you to be happy. I know she makes you feel good and happy and…"

"You make me happy too, Adam!" I exclaimed. "Did you ever think, for one second, that if you ended your life, I'd be happier?" Adam looked at me with a guilty expression. My jaw dropped open and I sat on the bed beside him. "You never should have! I don't think I've ever been happier! I can't talk with Clare about comics and gory movies like I can with you."

"Eli, I know that you were so upset after Julia and Clare took that away for a while," Adam sniffled. "I don't think I was ever able to do that for you."

I looked into those beautiful blue eyes then pressed my mouth to his. He made me feel…wanted, I guess. I loved being around him because I knew _what_ I could talk about with him and _how_ I could talk. With Clare, I had to be careful of whatever I said. She was very touchy about specific topics and some of which I had no clue of.

When I leaned up, Adam said, "Eli. I really like you, but you obviously belong with Clare. If anyone were to find out about this, they'd torture you. They'd make fun of you."

"I don't care," I snapped and stood, walking to the other side of the room, realizing that this had been the exact same room I was recovering in just that morning. What were the odds? "I _can't_ lose you, but I don't _want_ to lose Clare. I wish I could have both."

"That's just the thing, Eli," Adam started. "You can't! You have to make a choice."

"I know," I sighed and sat in one of the chairs opposite of the bed. "Let's just drop the subject for now."

"Deal," Adam agreed.

We'd talked for a while when a nurse came in and told me that it was about time for me to go. I nodded and Adam finished up with a question.

"What one thing in the world do you think you couldn't live without?" he asked me.

I thought and thought. "I honestly have no idea. Rain check?"

Adam nodded and I hurried out after saying a quick goodbye. What was the one thing I couldn't live without? I climbed in my car and drove off towards Clare's house, the question still buzzing in my head like a stupid fly around a pile of crap. It was so annoying to know that I had no answer as of then.


	6. Chapter 6

I knocked on the door of my girlfriend's home and waited. She came to the door in a pair of ripped jeans and a Breathe Carolina band shirt. She seemed…different.

"Ready to catch that movie?" I asked hesitantly.

"Absolutely," she smiled.

We walked to the car and I opened her door for her. She nodded in thanks and climbed in. I ran around, climbed in myself, and closed the door. Quickly, I started the car and drove toward the theatre. The question Adam had asked me was still buzzing in my skull. What was the one thing I couldn't live without?…Damn! Why was I so stuck on one stupid question?

"Eli?" Clare asked from the seat over, so I looked at her quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Just…this whole Adam thing has me a bit on edge is all," I sighed the lie.

"Me too, honey," she said, laying her hand on my forearm. "He's my friend too."

I nodded once and tried to focus on just driving. That didn't seem to be happening…

Adam's PoV

I just laid in the hospital bed. Maybe Eli was right and I just got ahead of myself a little too much. Drinking was definitely _not_ going to help me with the whole Eli thing. Damn, I wish I could find something to take my mind off of him. Suddenly, and very conveniently, Fiona Coyne walked in. She was gorgeous.

"Hi, Adam," she smiled.

"Hey, Princess," I grinned back at her.

As she sat on the side of my bed, she asked, "How are you feeling, darling?"

"I'm doing fine," I replied. "I feel kind of sick, but that's what happens when you get your stomach pumped…"

She giggled and nodded in agreement. I swear I loved her, but I couldn't do anything with her because she'd find out about my…situation…

"What are you doing here?" I wondered of her.

"I heard that you were hospitalized and I had to see you," she sighed. "I was so worried…"

"Well, how nice of you to be worried about me," I smiled at her.

"How could I not?" she smirked. "You're always so nice to me."

"How could I not?" I mimicked her.

She rolled her eyes and then pressed her lips against mine softly. It wasn't like when I kissed Eli, though. There was a spark when it was with Eli…

Eli's PoV

The entire movie, Clare was trying to hold my hand or kiss me. I wanted to go to the movies to kind of escape any romance of any kind. I guess that'll teach me to take my girlfriend with me the next time I want to get away from reality. Though, by the end, she was pretty pissed off because I wouldn't kiss her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't want to lose Adam either. My head was so jumbled. While I was driving Clare home, the only sounds were the rain and the low music coming from the radio. She wouldn't even look at me. Not once. It was almost scary.

I came to a stop outside Clare's house and looked over at her. She just sat there for a moment and then looked to me.

"What did you and Adam talk about after I left?" she asked out of the blue.

"What does it matter?" I wondered.

She turned her body and stared into my eyes.

"Do you have feelings for Adam?" she urged.

My heart stopped. I was in serious shit now…

Adam's PoV

Fiona stayed for only a little while after and kept me company. Then it was time for her to go. I sat in the bed, thinking some of those things over. Me and Eli? Eli and Adam? I guess it had a ring to it. Then there was Adam and Fiona or Fiona and Adam. That was nice too. I guess it just got to me that I couldn't answer my own question honestly. What was the one thing I couldn't live without?…I was in the same boat as Eli. I had to take a rain check on myself.

Eli's PoV

"Eli?" Clare asked.

"Uh…uhm…" I stammered. "Adam's my best friend. Why would I have feelings for my best friend?"

"I don't know," Clare sighed. "I guess…I'm just being paranoid. Well, night. I'll call you later."

"Okay," I nodded.

We kissed one another quickly and she climbed out, breaking into a run after she closed the door. I pulled out and suddenly got an incoming call. I took it.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Hey, Eli," Adam said through the phone.

"Hey, Grasshopper," I smiled. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he sighed. "Just bored. Visiting hours are over, so I got the nurse to let me use a phone."

"Shouldn't you be resting?" I wondered.

"I guess I _should_," he replied. "I don't want to, though. So, guess who came in today? Fiona Coyne!"

"Very nice, man," I said happily. "She's a fine little lady."

"Yes, yes she is," Adam chuckled. "But, when she kissed me…never mind."

"What?" my voice broke. "She kissed you?"

"Yeah!" Adam exclaimed, a little more happy now. "It was freaking awesome!"

"Sounds like," I smiled.

I have to admit, it upset me a little to know that he was kissing girls, but I realized we were never an item.

"Oh, damn!" he said. "I have to go. It's time for my meds."

"Okay," I sighed. "See you tomorrow, I guess."

"Yeah," Adam said. "Bye."

I put my phone away and sighed. Suddenly, I saw a pair of lights swerve over and start taking me head-on. I panicked and started trying to avoid it, but it didn't work. I heard the sound of crunching metal, pain surged through my body, and then everything went…black…


	7. Chapter 7

It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. It hurt to simply think. Pain just sat on top of me, killing me slowly. Darkness settled in around me as if I were in Mariana's Trench. That's about how my lungs felt, that I was under the ocean. I wanted to die. I wanted anyone around me to just shoot me and put me out of this misery. And yet, through all of the pain and suffering, I still had no answer to Adam's question. What was the one thing I couldn't live without? Really, I had to ask myself what the one thing I was living without was. I had Clare, I had Adam, hell, I even had my freakish parents. Hell….I wonder what it's like, if it exists. I bet it's like one big rock concert with fire surrounding it.

Suddenly, I felt the cool rain on my face as someone pulled me out of the car and onto a stretcher. The air around me was still and I heard slamming doors. Then, they put the oxygen mask on me and I could breathe a little easier. I attempted to open my eyes, but that even hurt. I could hear people moving around and talking to one another, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. Then, I just tried to relax, but that hurt too. Nothing could be worse than what I was going through. Not the fight I'd had with Fitz, not getting my stomach pumped like Adam, nothing….It was just torture. I wanted it to end. If there was a choice to pull the plug, I wanted them to do it right away. I was a horrible person, anyway. Nothing, not even death, could change the fact that I was cheating on Clare with my best friend and that I provoked Fitz to the point of military school. I was just…bad. I had no idea how anyone could love a being such as myself. And to think, all of this literally hit me. Thanks to that crash, I really knew what I wanted to do with my life….I wanted to end it…as soon as possible…

Adam's PoV

"Are you serious?" I demanded over the phone.

"Yes!" Clare cried. "His p-parents just told me! H-he's in the ER! He w-was in a t-terrible crash!"

"No…" I gasped as tears came to my eyes. "No. It can't be!"

I dropped the phone, jumped out of the hospital bed, and sprinted to the ER, ignoring the slight pain from my stomach. I managed to completely avoid every nurse and doctor there. Then, I had to ask where he was at one of the counters. The lady sitting there told me to sit and wait for a little while longer. Then was when I noticed that Clare and Eli's parents were there, talking with one another and crying at Eli's expense. I walked over and joined them.

Eli's PoV

The light was shining right in my eyes when I was finally able to open them. I still hurt more than I ever had. I also had a heavy heart and my fear of death was coming to be, but everyone dies at some point. It's inevitable.

"He's awake!" one of the female doctors exclaimed.

"Kill me…" I mumbled.

"What was that, sweetie?" the woman asked, moving closer to me.

"Kill me…" I said a little louder.

She gasped and looked at me. I let my head roll onto its side as I closed my eyes. Everything hurt. My chest, my stomach, my legs, my arms…just everything. My heart felt like it tore in two. Death sounded rather friendly, considering I was basically talking to him.

_Take me away_, I thought. _Please put me out of this suffering and pain and misery. I've never asked anyone for anything…until now. Kill me…_

"He wants me to kill him…" the doctor said.

"Are you sure that's what he said?" a male demanded.

"Absolutely!" the woman exclaimed.

My breathing was becoming shallow. More and more so by the second. Maybe…the Dark Angel had been listening to me….Maybe he was taking this into consideration. The pain started to go away. Everything started to go away. I was so sure I was dying….Then, I spoke to the doctors.

"Tell Clare I love her," I managed. "Tell Adam that…there's nothing in this world that I couldn't live without…"

"You're not going to die on us!" the male exclaimed.

I smiled and allowed myself to give away. If only Fitz could see me now and pay for everything he'd ever done to me.

Adam's PoV

"So, you had hung up before the accident?" Eli's mom asked.

"Yeah…" I sniffled.

"Then, how could he have crashed?" his dad wondered.

I honestly had no idea. Then, I could hear the doctors yelling to one another from a nearby room. I stood and walked over, rather undetected, and peered into the room. It was Eli's. They were doing all they could to keep him alive. They were trying everything. Tears started spilling from my eyes as I watched them work.

"Please be okay," I cried softly. "Please….I'm begging you. Death, please give him another chance. I don't think I could live knowing it may be my fault he's in this state…"

Eli's PoV

Death greeted me. He was just as the pictures indicated. He was skeletal with a tattered black robe and a reaper's scythe.

"Elijah Goldsworthy," he said in a low, grim voice. "You have asked to leave this world."

"Anything to put me out of this misery…" I sighed.

"You have people who love you, though," Death stated calmly. "Such as Adam Torres and Clare Edwards. Even Sav Bhandari and Drew Torres know it would never be the same without you."

I just looked at him for a moment. What was I going to do?…


	8. Chapter 8

_**Sorry for the short chapter...**_

"What should I do?" I asked Death.

"What you think is right," he replied. "You know, this is very rare, me giving someone a second chance."

"I'm glad I'm that special," I sighed. "Though, I can't stand the pain or the fact that I've been cheating on my girlfriend with my best friend…"

"You're not the first to speak this way," Death chuckled. "I was much like you when I lived, believe it or not. I had no beliefs in any deities, but look where I am now. That was my sin, and this is my punishment. I take others' souls."

"Though, you never have to worry about this now…" I snapped.

Adam's PoV

I stood there, just watching. They couldn't let him die! Not Eli! Things were finally going great for everyone! Then, the beeping slowed into one solid annoying noise. He was gone. He was actually gone….I then began sobbing as I walked back to Clare and Eli's parents.

"Adam?" Clare asked.

"He's…he's…" I couldn't say it, but they realized what I was getting at.

Immediately, Clare stood and we hugged one another while Eli's parents cried. I couldn't believe it. He was never coming back. And it must have been my fault. I'd been blaming him the entire time for screwing everything up in our triangle of friends, when it had been all me. I was the one messing everything up. Everything had gone to dust. Our friendship, our romance, his life….It was all my goddamn fault! It was my fault Clare was crying and it was my fault Eli died….Everything…was my fault…

"I c-can't believe it!" Clare cried. "I l-loved h-him!"

I gasped and held her tighter. Now I _really_ felt guilty…

Eli's PoV

"Elijah Goldsworthy," Death started calmly. "Have you decided what you want done?"

"Show me if anyone's miserable without me," I replied firmly.

"As you wish," Death said.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the hospital room where they held me. I was…dead? Of course I was dead! What the hell? Anyway, I saw how banged up I was, but the doctors were doing everything in their will to save me. I walked slowly out and saw Adam, Clare, and my parents, all of whom were crying. I ran over to comfort them.

"I'm okay," I said. "See?"

I reached out and my hand went right through them. They couldn't see me…

"Do you see?" Death asked. "Can you see how much you are loved?"

"Yeah," I sighed. "I guess…"

"Are you ready to pass on to the next life?" he wondered. "Or do you want to keep the Goldsworthy family gene going?"

I looked at him and shrugged.

"Surprise me," I smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

Adam's PoV

I walked with Clare out to her car and sat with her, calming her. She never said she loved Eli….I wish I'd known. Maybe I never would have fallen for him…

"Clare," I sighed. "There's something I need to tell you. Eli and I were going to tell you at the same time, but seeing as we're under these strict circumstances…" She looked up at me. There was pain in her eyes as if she already knew what I was going to say….I really didn't want to tell her. "Eli and I…had some form of a…relationship. Eli regretted that he didn't know who to choose, but I imagine it would have been you…"

"I asked him if he had feelings for you and he lied to me…" Clare sniffled.

"That doesn't matter!" I exclaimed. "All that matters is someone finally told you. Eli kept saying that he never wanted to hurt you. I'd actually come to believe that he regretted ever kissing me…"

"I thought you weren't even attracted to guys," Clare snapped.

"I thought so too," I shrugged. "Then came Eli."

She tilted her head and had understanding in her eyes. She knew. He was a great person. He was always a great person. And when I told him I was a female-to-male transgender, he just said, "Cool." From then on, I knew we'd always be the best of bros. Then I got to thinking, was that what attracted me? The fact that he accepted me right off the bat?

"He was a magnificent person, wasn't he?" Clare sighed sadly. "I understand why you fell for him, and he probably fell for you because you're so sweet and understanding when it comes to me and him hanging out."

"Maybe," I chuckled. "But, Clare, you know I'll be here for you no matter what. If you need me to, I can break out of here and stay with you."

"I think I'll be okay," she smiled. "I'll cry myself to sleep, no doubt, but I know he'll always be watching over me. He holds a special place in my heart."

I nodded with a smile, hugged her, and headed back inside. One of the nurses spotted me and immediately escorted me back, giving me meds to make me go to sleep. That was just a bit…unnerving, I guess, but oh well. At least I slept well. And Clare was right. He was always going to be watching over us. He was too good to go down. Despite the fact that he thought he was a horrible person, I knew where he'd go. He'll always be there to answer those haunting questions in my head. Thinking about all of that, I finally fell asleep. I dreamt of Eli that night. I was going back to school tomorrow and I had a lot of explaining to do to my peers. Clare and I would most likely be reporting all of this on the morning announcements. I had a ton of recovery to do within the next five or so hours.

Eli's PoV

Death sent me back after letting me hear the doc call time.

"11:46," the doc sighed. "I'm calling it…"

As he walked away with the nurses and other doctors, Death brought me back. I opened my eyes and gasped for air. It still hurt, but my heart wasn't as heavy. I…was in love with Clare, my best friend was still my bro, and my parents were there right away. Everyone loved me. And I knew that Adam must have told Clare about me and him. I just hoped that, when I showed up at school the next week, Clare wouldn't totally hate me. Maybe she'd be a little sympathetic, or just flat out amazed that I lived. Anyway, I sighed and smiled.

"Thank you, Dark Angel," I said and then unhooked everything from my body.

I stood, but it did hurt pretty bad. I was walking kind of funny, but I guess anyone would after they'd died. Slowly, I managed to sneak out of the room and out of the hospital. Then, I found a bench in the park and laid down on it. I closed my eyes and ignored the agony as I attempted to go to sleep. I just needed to rest. That had to be it…


	10. Chapter 10

_The Next Day…_

Adam's PoV

Quickly, I rose from the hospital bed and dressed myself in what Drew had brought. We rode off to school swiftly. I met Clare on the front stairs while Drew went to talk with Riley and Zane.

"You ready to tell the school?" I asked.

"I still keep hoping I'll wake up and find that this is all a dream…" she replied sadly and honestly.

"I do too, honey," I sighed as I pulled her in and hugged her. "I never wanted him to leave…"

"Neither did I," she said shakily.

I let her go and took her hand, leading her inside. As we had thought, we were confronted by Principle Simpson.

"Were you guys at the hospital last night?" he asked us.

We both nodded and then he motioned for us to follow. As the warning bell rang, Sav came in and started off and then it moved to me and Clare. He explained to us what to say, and we followed that.

"As many of you know if you watched the local news last night…" Clare began sadly.

"You know that Elijah Goldsworthy, a junior, was killed in a car crash due to a drunk driver," I finished.

"We would like to start a donation to build a monument here on school grounds," Clare stated, trying not to cry.

"If you would please, if you can and are willing to, please talk to me, Clare, or Sav about the donations, we would be most pleased," I sniffled.

"And just remember," Clare began, a tear running down her cheek, "that Eli was a friend to all that treated him well. Thank you."

Clare and I walked out and started crying as we sat on one of the benches. I buried my face in my hands and sobbed. It was hard talking about him. Hell, it was hard just thinking about him. All the times he stood up for me and Clare were just too good of memories that could never be replaced.

Eli's PoV

I awoke to a homeless man checking me. As soon as I opened my eyes and glared at him, he ran off, dropping everything he had taken off of me. I needed something to eat desperately. I stood, realizing the pain was a little bit more dim than last night. Though, pain was pain, so I still hurt all over. So, anyway, I made my way to the nearest hotdog stand.

"Hey…wait…" the guy at the stand started as I pulled my wallet out. "Weren't you the kid that was in the car crash?"

"Yeah," I replied hesitantly.

"You're supposed to be dead…" the guy stated slowly.

"Damn…" I breathed. "News sure spreads fast…"

"So…" the guy said slowly. "Did you, like, die and then come back or what?"

"That's exactly what happened…" I sighed. "And now Adam and Clare think I'm dead and they're probably planning a…_monument_ or something…"

"Are you going to pay for this or not?" the guy snapped.

I rolled my eyes and slapped down the two dollars and then walked off with my food. I sat down on the bench and leaned back with a groan. This was beginning to become impossible….Then, I took a bite of the hotdog and threw it away because it was absolutely, horrifically, and disturbingly disgusting. I stood and walked, with a limp I might add, to the nearest café. Of course everyone in there just looked at me like I was a ghost. Quickly, they seated me and took my order. After I ate, I got back to thinking of what to do about the whole, "I thought you were dead…" thing. This was going to be a major pain in the ass…

Adam's PoV

Clare and I cried most of the day and the only thing that we got out of the entire thing that was good was the fact that we got out of class. I know it sounds wrong, but in health they were doing sex ed, so…yeah….I wasn't exactly sure how that would go for me, but luckily I got to miss it. I sound so horrible right now, saying my best friend's death was a good thing….I feel horrible knowing it could have been my fault…

"Adam?" someone said from behind me.

I turned to see Riley and Zane standing there.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"We'd like to help set up the monument," Zane said simply.

I nodded and Clare smiled.

"Thanks," Clare sniffled.

Riley walked over and hugged Clare sweetly.

"It's going to be okay, Clare," he whispered.

"Come on, Riley," Zane said.

Riley nodded and looked at Clare saying, "It's okay." with his eyes. She nodded and then Zane and Riley walked away. Everyone loved Riley after he came out. Anyway, everyone had come to the realization that they missed Eli. He was kind of…just a part of this school. He held a lot of people together, like glue. He was almost vital. He kept the bullies in line and everyone else just trusted that he would do so…

Eli's PoV

I left that café and headed toward the school. I couldn't handle it. It was going to be too awful to have so many people pay for a memorial service and me come back. I managed a way up the stairs. Slowly, I opened the front doors and was immediately spotted by…Fitz? Ah shit…

"Goldsworthy?" he squeaked, eyes widening. "You…you're supposed to be dead…"

"Well, I'm not," I snapped and limped past him.

Everyone who saw me stopped and stared. I shook my head and kept going as far as my body would go and then I fell. It hurt so much. Why the hell couldn't Death make it less agonizing? So, I just lay there, on the ground, and the tears fell from my eyes. I didn't realize that I was crying until I noticed that people were stopping to try to help me. I just waved them away and managed to lift myself up. It was harsh, and I was still crying and my jaw was clenched and all this shit that made me look like I was in massive agony…._Oh, wait_. I balled my fists and kept walking. Finally, I spotted Adam and Clare, in one another's arms, just sobbing away. I took a deep breath (OW!) and limped over to them.

"I'm back from the dead and you two are busy crying?" I grinned (again, _OW!_).

They looked at me simultaneously and gasped. Both of them. At the same goddamn time. Hugged me! I slumped to the floor, the tears heavier than before. I could feel my pained sides heaving and then they both picked me up, carrying me (most likely to the nurse's office). Ah shit, I was I gonna explain this one?


End file.
